new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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