his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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