someone threw a dead crab at me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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