I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
What a dumb baby whore.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
