i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize