How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Randomize
