party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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