i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
