You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
only if we run a train.
done.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
