i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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