Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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