you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize