A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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