Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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