True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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