hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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