Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
