Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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