Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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