she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
