I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sext me about skeletons
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
