i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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