its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
