Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
