Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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