Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
