I will die if light touches me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
