Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
