i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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