You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
