I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
