are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You ruined the universe
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
