I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
