fuck your aforementioned shoe
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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