final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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