His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
