I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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