I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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