I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
