Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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