I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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