I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
