when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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