I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
