I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
