Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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