A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
