If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
