was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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