Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
