Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
