hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
