I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
