its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
