im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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