No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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