I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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