That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize