You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
