i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize